Lately I have been noticing disturbing behavior in myself and I’m not exactly sure when it started but I’d like for it to stop. I am not sure when I turned into my ex but it is almost like the times you scare yourself when things your parents used to say or come out of your mouth and you spin around involuntarily thinking your parent is standing behind you, then you realize horrifyingly that those words came out of your mouth.
Disappointingly enough, I have noticed a change in myself with previously mentioned nice guy. Maybe it’s my fear of a relationship or my need to have some sort of upper hand after one too many exes overly exceeding need for control of the universe (almost Pinky and the Brain-esque) which has impacted me in a way I didn’t know until now. I am disappointed in myself and my behavior. I am not an angry rude person but with him I seem to be and I don’t like it. I don’t know how to stop or even how it started, really (needless to say when I first started writing this I was with “nice guy” however his immaturity and unwillingness to be open-minded undoubtedly left me with no choice but to call it quits).
I like to pride myself in being an easy going and generally not difficult. I don’t need anything from a man nor do I want it necessarily. There are things I would like from them in a relationship setting such as respect, kindness, chivalry, the abhorrence of any and all things Republican and perhaps to be completely covered in glorious tattoos (crap tattoos are just as bad as being a Republican) but every time I think I have found most of those qualities and I let my guard down to be someone’s girlfriend they turn out to actually only have had those qualities as part of their ruse to get me into their evil clutches. Maybe (as the new dude swears) I am jaded by my past.
I am beginning to wonder if the root of my current meanness is due to my disappointment in being let down time and time again. I do feel as if I have spent a ton of time reflecting on myself, my past and where I would like my future to be. I would like to think I am in better control now that I have reflected for so long but I still see I am displaying my miserable ex qualities to new dude now as well. I wonder if I am now or ever going to be ready to be in any kind of relationship because I know I didn’t like the way I was treated so why am I treating others this way. People who are supposed to care about me and love me. Why would I want to actively hurt them or put them down? Why am I jaded? I don’t want to be. I want to think I am capable of leaving the past in the past and only taking the lessons with me but I can actually hear phrases my ex would say coming out of my own mouth. I want to smack myself silly. Then when I hear new dudes response of ” I hate you are so jaded” or “you know I am not him right?” kills me.
I really hope this isn’t a permanent change in my personality and that I can stop this behavior sooner rather than later or I might be where my ex is today….regretting not appreciating me when he had me and pushing me hard enough to force me to go.