Birthday Month Realization

Birthday Month Realization

 

 

Birthday Month is upon us or as my father calls it High Holy Birthday Month!!! It is a week before my 32nd birthday and I have realized some things about myself, life and growing up. In the recent past a few people who have known me for almost my whole life and who I care very much for have become so very judgmental and downright hurtful. At first I tried to brush off such offenses as me being too sensitive. Then I thought maybe these people are right and I just don’t want to hear it. Eventually I realized that really isn’t the case. While I was being supportive through their many mistakes, misdeeds and mess ups as a good friend always should be, they have turned their back on what I have gone or been going through. I as a good friend was honest in certain situations about my feelings of what they were doing but only as an outsider looking in. After saying my part, I have learned that you can always tell someone what you think but ultimately they have to do things their way because pushing your opinions only pushes people away. Your one and only job as a friend after being open and honest is to be there while they are happy and pick up the pieces if any should fall. That is what a good friend does.  Now while I know my mistakes and misdeeds, I like to believe they have helped me become who I am and I try not to forget them, who I was or where I have been. Others clearly like to pretend/ignore/deny those same factors about themselves which is OK but when passing judgment it’s particularly hurtful when hypocrisy is involved.
In my case when I feel someone is becoming overly judgmental I tend to omit things or in some cases lie. This is obviously not the right approach and I was disappointed in myself  when I realized I was doing this. I took it upon myself to apologize and bring up the subject to the few people I felt had done a 360 on me assuming that maybe their perception of my behavior was the reason for this change (maybe they didn’t realize my perception of their behavior towards me is what started the ball rolling but that isn’t to point fingers just how I felt in the situation). I was expecting an apology in return as any good friends would do to alleviate an uncomfortable situation. I knew everyone in the situation had done wrong and what some people didn’t know is I knew more than they had been telling me. I knew they were actually doing the exact same thing they were mad at me for the only difference was they (still to this day) don’t know how much I actually knew/know and I never called them out on it assuming I wouldn’t have to because I was convinced they loved me enough to just apologize and nothing more had to be said (AWESOME FRIEND ALERT). These people didn’t know that another friend had spilled very detailed beans about a situation assuming I knew already. I didn’t know and didn’t even rat out the other friend (just another glaring example of why I am such a fab friend). So here I am being judged very harshly by people I love very much and trust implicitly even still with the uncomfortable feelings. Even when I knew these people were lying to my face and doing the very thing they were accusing me of. I distanced myself waiting for an apology because it had to be on its way. I knew there was no way I wasn’t going to be apologized to but to some people their pride is more important than friendship. To them I was not worth an apology no matter how hypocritical their rationale. These same people after the fact tried to dig a deeper hole but what they didn’t know is this, I was a good friend even when they weren’t looking. I may have omitted some information or told them things happened differently than they actually did because I was tired of their hurtful comments and judgments but what they should be thankful for is that I never ratted them out. I never let people know what it is they did or said about people they “love and care” about. While these very people sit back and judge me or think I am less worthy, I am at peace with their feelings about me. I know what I have done and owned it. I know that if I wasn’t such a good friend I could have hurt them and the people they love very much but I chose not to. I may not be what these people want as a friend anymore but in reality they no longer possess the qualities I need in a friend. I see now that they have dug themselves into such a deep hole that instead of dealing with and fixing what they don’t like in their lives they focus on someone they perceive as weaker. I am content with that too. I may not resort to dirty tricks or childish schemes but my absence in their lives is what they will one day miss. When the truth comes out, as it always does, they will realize what a good friend I always have been and kick themselves for ever thinking otherwise.
In closing at the ripe old age of almost 32 I can say that I may not be perfect nor do I ever want to be. I may not be rich or a genius. I do not have a models body or the best paying job. I have yet to meet prince charming or the million other superficial things that people always associate with having a full life. What I do have is my independence which I earned. I have respect from the people that I have chosen to be in my life and who have chosen to love and understand me for who I am, not who they think I should be. I have a loving family and good group of friends. It has taken time to build the kind of relationships that are healthy and happy with the people I care most about but it has been worth it. I have proven to myself and my loved ones that I am a force. I have dreamed of things and actually attained them; few people can actually ever say that. I have struggled, been scared and hurt on more than one occasion, those have been my greatest lessons. I can see where I need to improve and make those my goals no matter how long the improvements may take. This birthday month is less about the parties or presents this year. It is about finally allowing me to pat myself on the back. I don’t have to have the I am not good enough complex any longer. I don’t need to measure up to anyone’s standards but my own. I am what matters. My goals are mine and I can and will always improve. I am going to leave my insecurities behind me. Those chips that have been on my shoulder no longer need to be there because I have proven to myself what an incredible person, woman, friend and lover I really can be. All of that takes work and reflection. I will never stop working on being the person I want to be but I will stop letting other people judgments get in my way. From now on all of those glass houses we want to deny we live in are not my problem.  I don’t throw stones at yours so best you not throw them at mine anymore. That is the best celebration of my life I can think of.  Anything else really doesn’t matter.

 

Another Episode of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me

 

I am a little behind in episodes but The Girls episode One Man’s Trash, really just got me towards the end. Hannah meets a random guy and spends days with him, in what seems like the most perfect non- rapey/murderous situation 2 strangers have ever been in. This “stranger” seems amazing and she realizes maybe she really wants happiness. Maybe wanting the things that everyone else seems to want isn’t so bad after all. I see a lot of myself in Hannah when it comes to life and love, she just happens to be much more verbally honest than I am.   This fact does sometimes scare me as Hannah makes regular bad decisions, much like myself, which is probably why I feel so close to  her character. After seeing her break down and cry in front of a practical stranger (who she played naked ping pong with) about how she really feels about love and being happy it reminded me of a daily diary entry I wrote a long time ago and never posted.  It seemed perfect to meld the two after seeing this episode.

Original Daily Diary Post

So as much as I want to pretend I don’t care or it isn’t important and as much as I love my alone time I find myself saying, I do really just want to be loved. I want someone to snuggle with at night, someone to kiss and hug and just be with. I’m not necessarily in a rush to find said person and don’t know if I am completely ready to have that person in my life right now, but after only a solid 3 months of being really completely out of my last relationship, I find myself missing some of the most intimate parts (if you know me I know what you are thinking but for once I don’t necessarily mean sex) of being with a person. Not with the ex of course but with THE someone. Someone who gets me, excites me and maybe accepts me.
I find that when I start dating someone the things that intrigue them about me are the very things they eventually want me to change. I am not one that is good at changing things about myself. The most I ever changed about myself was quit smoking cigarettes and perhaps ending some recreational drug use. That being said on super drunk nights I will sometimes indulge in a smoke and even though I won’t purchase any, if someone so happens to have funsies I don’t necessarily say no (in case I ever want to run for office I should say that any bad behavior mentioned will be denied to the best of my ability to the public until this blog post comes out and probably other proof ie pictures and current and former friends throwing me under the bus).
I am not sure if I want these things because everyone I know has already or is beginning to pair off and move into some form of “married life”. I am not sure if I only miss these things because I had them to take for granted for the past 7 years even if I wasn’t the happiest of situations. Needless to say at this point I am missing it. I never thought I would, I have never really been “needy” but I feel now in my 30′s I kind of am. Not to say that these needs couldn’t easily be fulfilled but for the first time in my life not just anyone will do. I am not interested in the replacement for momentary peace. I am trying to approach this singledom in a way that I never have before. I am not looking for the easy lay, the quick fix or the easy attention even though I have done both since being single neither has been helpful in the ways they were before. I am trying to hold out and wait for some one I feel is worth it. I want to hold out for someone who thinks I am worth it.  I have failed on all accounts but I can say I am happy that I can recognize it.
I will admit I did try the boycott of….physical intimacy and it is unfun and not my cup of tea and didn’t last very long. As a rule pre 7 year relationship I generally tried not to like the guys I slept with as human beings to keep the situation just business. They were just vessels of enjoyment for me to discard at will. Now, the idea of meaningful seems nice and even more new. Maybe I really do want to find someone who will actually love me and not let me use them or use me in return. I mentioned in another post that I went all stage 5 clinger on my first real crush out of the gate and it was bad news bears. It did teach me 2 things: 1. I clearly wasn’t over my last relationship if I was so desperate to cling to someone else and 2. That the disposable situation could no longer work for me.
There have definitely been bumps in the road along the way and I have made plenty of mistakes this time around but I think more so than before I am learning. I am being honest with myself and recognizing what my issues are. This is perhaps the only way one can truly find love. I work out my kinks along the way and when I am at just the right point, probably when I least am expecting it, that one person that I have been “waiting” for will be there and recognize in me everything everyone else couldn’t.

Moved On Up

 

Moving On Up
Moving On Up

 

Recently I have moved on up and over to a place of my very own which is something I have been wanting to do for a very long time. This is the first time I have lived on my own in a very long time.  This did make me very aware of the small luxuries I have now chosen to give up. Things like having my pets taken care of during the day while I was at work or not having to run particular errands, even doing the laundry! This is a semi-rude awakening but I can say not a completely horrible one. It is good to realize your limitations and responsibilities especially when you were spoiled previously. It makes you appreciate your hard work and effort a little more. I get to do things on my time and my way with out another person watching over me or huffing and puffing that something they want to have done isn’t being done. I don’t have anyone holding things over my head any longer.  I am sure there will be days that I won’t feel so refreshed about the situation but as for now the feeling is liberating.
I appreciate the fact that I have great friends and family around me. It makes the overwhelming times much less so. I am lucky enough to have a few of my closest friends in similar situations at different stages. It is beyond helpful to me for us all to have each other to lean on. I have seen what they have gone through, learned from their mistakes and even can offer help from my own situation. It is a different kind of bonding experience.
I feel somewhat like I am starring in my own romantic comedy since the beginning of this “journey” of sorts. I have even been watching romantic comedies while at home.  Generally romantic comedies are not my first choice of movie but I cannot get enough of them lately.  I want to take this time to focus on me and work on all of the things I have been wanting to do with and for myself, which is generally what happens to the lead in most romantic comedies especially after a huge break up. Then just when I have given up and am convinced I will be a spinster for life is when “prince charming” will come waltzing in to fix my loneliness forever. HA!  It’s nice to pretend sometimes though.
I wish more people took the opportunity I have given myself. I won’t lie, I miss the comfort and stability of my last relationship but I had to do this. I wasn’t proud anymore of the person I was becoming. I didn’t like where I was going and it seemed as a couple weren’t pushing each other to grow but tearing each other apart. It is sad but I feel like this was the best decision we could have made for the both of us.  I could see in the long run we would start to hate each other and probably resent the other for things we hadn’t done because of our relationship.
I can see why people stay in situations even though they aren’t happy. Money, responsibilities and comfort are all a factor that I think many people deem as more important then happiness. It is easy to convince yourself that this is all that life has to offer or this is what everyones life is like but that isn’t true. Life is like that for many people because they don’t have the courage to choose happiness. They don’t think they are worth it perhaps or even that they deserve it. I was that person for a long time and still am. No one has the right answer to your happiness even though everyone else will give you their advice and tell you what the right thing to do is but only you really know. It isn’t easy and it did take a long time to come to my decision but I promise you that your happiness should always be the answer. Not anyone else’s version of happiness or what you think you can make your happiness into but your real true happiness. Even when you may feel miserable, scared and yes, unhappy it does get better. It will get better because you will take those experiences and mold them into the new improved person that you have always wanted to become.  Happiness doesn’t just come out of thin air.  You have to work to find it in yourself.  There is always temporary happiness or even frivolous happiness but that always fades and leaves you right back to where you started.   Don’t forget your past, incorporate it into your future so you don’t ever go back to that place again. Happiness is the only option and if more people were less afraid to choose it we might all have to work a little less at finding it.

Risk Taker & Move Maker

Risk Taker

Risk Taker

 

Lately I keep writing about how I have recently discovered I am not the risk taker I once thought I was. I have gotten too comfortable and complacent in my life to want to stir the pot. This weekend however I decided to breakout of my comfort zone and take action! I want to reach my goals in life and no one is going to reach them for me! It wasn’t even as difficult as I thought it would be or scary even to take the first baby steps. Granted it is only Monday but you have to start somewhere. If you are waiting to do something don’t wait any longer do it! Get it done! You will be only that much happier with yourself once you get to where you have been wanting to go. It is good to change it up and scare yourself a bit. Getting too comfortable in any situation is a recipe for complacency. That won’t move your forward. You will also notice once you are motivated to do things for yourself others around you will want to do the same.  How great will that feel that you are an inspiration to other people.  I have kicked up my diet and exercise routine to maximize my fitness, made and amazing resume to start applying to some jobs I have been swooning over and made moves in my personal life to make sure I am making me happy.  So join me in being a risk taker, trouble maker and rule breaker…not necessarily in that order and remember everything in moderation.

Resolutions, Resolutions, Resolutions

New Years Resolution

New Years Resolution

 

 

 

 

Diary, it’s been 2 days and I have already not gone through with any of my new years resolutions.  As with most of you I am sure when you made your resolutions you were serious about keeping them this year but it is soo much easier to be serious about big changes when you are full of liquor and idk what  else, I know I was.  This year I decided to make resolutions that would be easier to keep other than the lose weight, be more generous, better at work, more focused on my relationship and be a better person all while ending hunger and creating world peace.
I have decided to make me a better person which is exactly what most people intend for the resolutions all year long but as the days turn into weeks and weeks into months, your social calendar fills up and excuses hurriedly follow. It is easy to leave your well meant resolutions behind. Two days in and I already have plenty of excuses to not be on point.
The three days I have had off from work I keep seeing shows, reading articles, hearing conversations and they all keep pointing me in the direction of something more than just bettering myself. My whole life I thought I was this go getter and different from everyone else. I swore the last thing that would ever happen to me would be that I would move back to my home town, get a regular 9 to 5, and fall back into the same situation I ran for the hills from. I see more and more how many opportunities I was given that I passed up. They all boil down to me realizing I am not a go getter. Yeah, I work hard and I have no problem getting my hands dirty but when it comes to taking risks, real ones I turn and run. You always hear that if you don’t go after an opportunity you may not get another one. I feel like I have been handed many and I always assumed another one would be on its way when I was ready. The older I get the less willing I am to take these risks but even more so the less I see these opportunities coming my way and as I sit in my office at 30 making an ok living, back near where I grew up, still struggling with bills, weight, my relationship and even friendships I wonder when will I be fed up enough to take the risks or create them for myself.
As special as I always thought I was I see I took it for granted. Now I am mediocre, I don’t mean that in a low self esteem way but I rode what I thought was my awesome wave for so long now it has become nothing more than a ripple. Eventually it will be come stagnant if I don’t start making some waves of my own. Now, I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer especially right at the beginning of the new year but as time passes it seems to go by quicker and quicker. At the rate it is going by I will be elderly before I get on the ball and get the guts to make some moves. I know I am not the only one. It is easy to say maybe next time or I’ll get to it.
My resolution is no more next time, not more getting to it. I want to grab it, run after it and take it before there is nothing left to take. I think we should all make that our resolution. There is no reason why we can’t. The only result will be your happiness…depending on your resolution that is. I know the effort and perhaps the distance you have to go to get your result will in the end always be worth it if you put the work in. It should never be to late to be a go getter. It is never late to make your life what you want it to be. Your time is now, this second. Why not enjoy, appreciate and relish in it. You don’t have to only enjoy the end result why not enjoy the journey? The path you take to get to where you want to go should also be apart of your resolution. So I say join me this year in grabbing your resolution by the balls and make the experience your resolution not only the end result! Be a go getter and a resolution doer!!

 

My Poor Pooch

Suzie

Suzie

 

If you don’t know I am a huge animal lover. I wear no animal products and maintain a little as animal possible diet. I eat no red meat but sometimes chicken and fish get the best of me. Either way I love animals soo much I have 4 at home! All rescues and all the loves of my life!!!
I am an ADOPT NOT SHOP advocate to the fullest!!! Sometimes annoyingly so. Anyway the pooch above is one of mine! My youngest Suzie who is only 4. We rescued here at NYCACC (Animal Control & Care in Manhattan) which is one of the worst places an animal can end up because 9 times out of 10 they will be put to sleep. Anyway we rescued her as a puppy around this time 4 years ago and she is the bounciest, cuddliest lady you will ever meet. She thinks she is a lap dog but weighing in at a whopping 70lbs a lap dog she is not.
She has had issues with her throat since we have gotten her and decided to put her in a harness. Then she was having what we thought were bladder issues but turned out to be kidney issues. Now the kidney issues have worsened and she may be in renal failure. This is not good and not very usual in such a young pooch. Either way I am sick about it and we have to take her to the vet on Monday to figure out what is wrong. I promise you if it is bad news I will be devastated.
For those of you who aren’t pet people you won’t understand but having a companion is an amazing experience. I am not a sad lonely woman I do have a boyfriend, many friends and family who are all mostly animal lovers. I really cannot tolerate people who say to me they aren’t dog people or cat people.
Enough of being Debbie Downer. I am going to go buy my pets prezzies so that I can feel better. My heart is hurting :(