Birthday Month Realization

Birthday Month Realization

 

 

Birthday Month is upon us or as my father calls it High Holy Birthday Month!!! It is a week before my 32nd birthday and I have realized some things about myself, life and growing up. In the recent past a few people who have known me for almost my whole life and who I care very much for have become so very judgmental and downright hurtful. At first I tried to brush off such offenses as me being too sensitive. Then I thought maybe these people are right and I just don’t want to hear it. Eventually I realized that really isn’t the case. While I was being supportive through their many mistakes, misdeeds and mess ups as a good friend always should be, they have turned their back on what I have gone or been going through. I as a good friend was honest in certain situations about my feelings of what they were doing but only as an outsider looking in. After saying my part, I have learned that you can always tell someone what you think but ultimately they have to do things their way because pushing your opinions only pushes people away. Your one and only job as a friend after being open and honest is to be there while they are happy and pick up the pieces if any should fall. That is what a good friend does.  Now while I know my mistakes and misdeeds, I like to believe they have helped me become who I am and I try not to forget them, who I was or where I have been. Others clearly like to pretend/ignore/deny those same factors about themselves which is OK but when passing judgment it’s particularly hurtful when hypocrisy is involved.
In my case when I feel someone is becoming overly judgmental I tend to omit things or in some cases lie. This is obviously not the right approach and I was disappointed in myself  when I realized I was doing this. I took it upon myself to apologize and bring up the subject to the few people I felt had done a 360 on me assuming that maybe their perception of my behavior was the reason for this change (maybe they didn’t realize my perception of their behavior towards me is what started the ball rolling but that isn’t to point fingers just how I felt in the situation). I was expecting an apology in return as any good friends would do to alleviate an uncomfortable situation. I knew everyone in the situation had done wrong and what some people didn’t know is I knew more than they had been telling me. I knew they were actually doing the exact same thing they were mad at me for the only difference was they (still to this day) don’t know how much I actually knew/know and I never called them out on it assuming I wouldn’t have to because I was convinced they loved me enough to just apologize and nothing more had to be said (AWESOME FRIEND ALERT). These people didn’t know that another friend had spilled very detailed beans about a situation assuming I knew already. I didn’t know and didn’t even rat out the other friend (just another glaring example of why I am such a fab friend). So here I am being judged very harshly by people I love very much and trust implicitly even still with the uncomfortable feelings. Even when I knew these people were lying to my face and doing the very thing they were accusing me of. I distanced myself waiting for an apology because it had to be on its way. I knew there was no way I wasn’t going to be apologized to but to some people their pride is more important than friendship. To them I was not worth an apology no matter how hypocritical their rationale. These same people after the fact tried to dig a deeper hole but what they didn’t know is this, I was a good friend even when they weren’t looking. I may have omitted some information or told them things happened differently than they actually did because I was tired of their hurtful comments and judgments but what they should be thankful for is that I never ratted them out. I never let people know what it is they did or said about people they “love and care” about. While these very people sit back and judge me or think I am less worthy, I am at peace with their feelings about me. I know what I have done and owned it. I know that if I wasn’t such a good friend I could have hurt them and the people they love very much but I chose not to. I may not be what these people want as a friend anymore but in reality they no longer possess the qualities I need in a friend. I see now that they have dug themselves into such a deep hole that instead of dealing with and fixing what they don’t like in their lives they focus on someone they perceive as weaker. I am content with that too. I may not resort to dirty tricks or childish schemes but my absence in their lives is what they will one day miss. When the truth comes out, as it always does, they will realize what a good friend I always have been and kick themselves for ever thinking otherwise.
In closing at the ripe old age of almost 32 I can say that I may not be perfect nor do I ever want to be. I may not be rich or a genius. I do not have a models body or the best paying job. I have yet to meet prince charming or the million other superficial things that people always associate with having a full life. What I do have is my independence which I earned. I have respect from the people that I have chosen to be in my life and who have chosen to love and understand me for who I am, not who they think I should be. I have a loving family and good group of friends. It has taken time to build the kind of relationships that are healthy and happy with the people I care most about but it has been worth it. I have proven to myself and my loved ones that I am a force. I have dreamed of things and actually attained them; few people can actually ever say that. I have struggled, been scared and hurt on more than one occasion, those have been my greatest lessons. I can see where I need to improve and make those my goals no matter how long the improvements may take. This birthday month is less about the parties or presents this year. It is about finally allowing me to pat myself on the back. I don’t have to have the I am not good enough complex any longer. I don’t need to measure up to anyone’s standards but my own. I am what matters. My goals are mine and I can and will always improve. I am going to leave my insecurities behind me. Those chips that have been on my shoulder no longer need to be there because I have proven to myself what an incredible person, woman, friend and lover I really can be. All of that takes work and reflection. I will never stop working on being the person I want to be but I will stop letting other people judgments get in my way. From now on all of those glass houses we want to deny we live in are not my problem.  I don’t throw stones at yours so best you not throw them at mine anymore. That is the best celebration of my life I can think of.  Anything else really doesn’t matter.

 

It’s A Family Thang

It's A Family Thang

It's A Family Thang

 

 

This weekend was crazy hectic for me. I had more to do than usual and generally I would be annoyed and frustrated for not being able to be lazy and relax. I should also say that the 2 previous weekends I was bored to tears but I wanted to be as lazy as possible due to the fact that every weekend for the next month is straight booked.
The festivities were mainly family based which I love more than almost anything else in this world. This year I was sick during Christmas and New Years then again on Easter and St. Pattys day, which is one of my fave little princess’ birthdays. When I miss big family functions I feel sad. I know many might cringe at the thought of a huge family gathering for multiple reasons but although my family does sometimes induce stress and annoyance I am not sure I feel more comfortable or more like myself anywhere else. I needed this weekend more than I realized. We are a huge Italian bunch full of immigrants, a few Irish and Greeks have managed to sneak in as well but we all fit like perfect puzzle pieces into this insanely large group I call my family.
I spent most of Saturday at a birthday party for one of my cousins daughters at his house which managed to be full of their friends, his wife’s family and a good deal of mine all preparing for his sons baptism the next day.   It seemed like the whole world was in town and in his house. The food kept coming, the wine was definitely flowing and most importantly the laughter was contagious. In most settings too much wine causes problems but not for us. We get louder, funnier and grabbier. We are a touchy feely bunch so if you aren’t related but within goosing proximity drunk or sober you probably will get molested, lovingly of course.
That night a few of us went back to  one of my Aunt and Uncles houses, who have a duplex housing another cousin and her husband with their son. Also, in town was her little sister (who are both sisters to the cousin who’s son was being baptized/daughters birthday party we just left). My family doesn’t have many girls/women in it which makes us have a closer bond I think. My Aunts are like other mothers and my female cousins are more like sisters than anything else.
My cousin (the little sister) and I have been sharing a bed at every sleepover event ever since she was born, no matter where we were. I cannot recall one time we were together somewhere and we weren’t put together to sleep ever in my life. Now it is just a habit it doesn’t at all matter that we are in our 30′s. I am also in charge of rubbing her back from the moment I walk in the door to the moment one of us leaves to go home. It isn’t even a question, it is just what has happened now for over 20 years and I wouldn’t want it any other way. She finds me where ever I happen to be seated and turns her back to me, without even saying a word I am immediately aware of what I am supposed to do.
Once we got back to my Aunt, Uncles, & cousins house we promptly gave her son a bath. Yes, 3 of us were in the bathroom trying to occupy the boy/make jokes about how until we were teenagers we all either bathed together or stayed in the bathroom talking until we were all showered and ready. I am not sure how or why this was the case but that is just how it was. My 2 cousins and I stayed up late, made more jokes about our family and current events, chased after her son and watched cartoons in hopes of lulling the tiny ball of energy to sleep.
In the early morning we were woken up to the smell of pancakes and bacon and the baby not so quietly running around like a lead-footed beast. Either way the sight of pancakes and bacon made up for the early harassment and the cute little face that kid has. I can’t really say no to home cooked breakfast especially since my cousin has an over achiever situation going on with her wifely duties and since we are Italian cooking is very serious business so I was well aware whatever I was about to put in my mouth was going to be absolutely delish.
Soon enough my father and grandparents showed up which is always an event due to the crazy nature of all 3. This tends to make even the most mundane of events exciting and not a little bit nerve wracking. I stayed behind with my grandparents and father while everyone else went to church. I opt out of any and all religious events where possible as does my father. My grandmother recently started this because now she gets dizzy spells (no one has ever witnessed one but she swears she has them) anytime she leaves the house which leads me to believe she probably has some form of agoraphobia, or saw it on TV and wants someone to recognize her illness so she can beat my grandfather in infirmity. She has this competition going with him unfortunately he is unaware of it. My grandfather is short an appendage, his leg, due to 200000000000 years worth of smoking and drinking. He also prefers to say behind now because most churches don’t have an open bar and BYOB is frowned upon. My father doesn’t like to be too far away from any food source and is incredibly inappropriate so places like church or libraries are not establishments that appreciate his presence. I was forced to keep this elderly brood in line whilst everyone else was off watching a baby get drowned for the sake of Jesus or whatever.
After little baby was officially deemed part of the cult, we all ran to take over a quaintly titled restaurant Cafe Italiano (yes, we go to Italian restaurants because some of the old Italians have never had anything else and you have to please them because they are the loudest, biggest and hold the longest grudges). The family completely took over the entire top floor of this place. As per usual, everyone goes from table to table catching up, food galore, kids running around unattended, upset waiters/waitresses, tons of laughter, and last but certainly not least booze flowing freely.
I really forgot how much I needed days like that. Fun isn’t even the word for what last weekend was. Unlike most families, we are all so comfortable with each other that almost no topic is off limits to joke about and there is nothing but love from all of us. I don’t think we stopped laughing for more than a few minutes at a time and that was strictly for chewing purposes. I am never more myself than when I am with them. Anytime I am feeling off or out of sorts all I need is a few hours with one of my relatives and I am rejuvenated. I felt like an epic movie or book has just ended when we all broke away to go home. We never really spend long periods of time apart, which may be odd to some but I can tell when it has been too long away from my family. It’s much like how a smoker knows they need another cigarette. Having such a large family it is almost impossible to go even a week with out seeing someone I am related to which makes being so close that much easier. I hate to use the word blessed ever, but I am not sure there is another word for my feelings towards my family. The phrase “It takes a village” is true in my case. We all grew up together. As kids every weekend my cousins and I were together while the adults were upstairs cooking and setting up for meals. No event was too big or small to have everyone over even if it was just a nice day out. Now that we are all older and growing up, spending large amounts of time together does get difficult. I often wonder how are parents and grandparents pulled it off so effortlessly. I am so lucky and even more grateful to have all of them. Our family is unlike any other and without them there is no way I would be who I am or even where I am at this point in my life. Words cannot even appropriately express how much I love and need those crazy bastards in my life!

 

Another Episode of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me

 

I am a little behind in episodes but The Girls episode One Man’s Trash, really just got me towards the end. Hannah meets a random guy and spends days with him, in what seems like the most perfect non- rapey/murderous situation 2 strangers have ever been in. This “stranger” seems amazing and she realizes maybe she really wants happiness. Maybe wanting the things that everyone else seems to want isn’t so bad after all. I see a lot of myself in Hannah when it comes to life and love, she just happens to be much more verbally honest than I am.   This fact does sometimes scare me as Hannah makes regular bad decisions, much like myself, which is probably why I feel so close to  her character. After seeing her break down and cry in front of a practical stranger (who she played naked ping pong with) about how she really feels about love and being happy it reminded me of a daily diary entry I wrote a long time ago and never posted.  It seemed perfect to meld the two after seeing this episode.

Original Daily Diary Post

So as much as I want to pretend I don’t care or it isn’t important and as much as I love my alone time I find myself saying, I do really just want to be loved. I want someone to snuggle with at night, someone to kiss and hug and just be with. I’m not necessarily in a rush to find said person and don’t know if I am completely ready to have that person in my life right now, but after only a solid 3 months of being really completely out of my last relationship, I find myself missing some of the most intimate parts (if you know me I know what you are thinking but for once I don’t necessarily mean sex) of being with a person. Not with the ex of course but with THE someone. Someone who gets me, excites me and maybe accepts me.
I find that when I start dating someone the things that intrigue them about me are the very things they eventually want me to change. I am not one that is good at changing things about myself. The most I ever changed about myself was quit smoking cigarettes and perhaps ending some recreational drug use. That being said on super drunk nights I will sometimes indulge in a smoke and even though I won’t purchase any, if someone so happens to have funsies I don’t necessarily say no (in case I ever want to run for office I should say that any bad behavior mentioned will be denied to the best of my ability to the public until this blog post comes out and probably other proof ie pictures and current and former friends throwing me under the bus).
I am not sure if I want these things because everyone I know has already or is beginning to pair off and move into some form of “married life”. I am not sure if I only miss these things because I had them to take for granted for the past 7 years even if I wasn’t the happiest of situations. Needless to say at this point I am missing it. I never thought I would, I have never really been “needy” but I feel now in my 30′s I kind of am. Not to say that these needs couldn’t easily be fulfilled but for the first time in my life not just anyone will do. I am not interested in the replacement for momentary peace. I am trying to approach this singledom in a way that I never have before. I am not looking for the easy lay, the quick fix or the easy attention even though I have done both since being single neither has been helpful in the ways they were before. I am trying to hold out and wait for some one I feel is worth it. I want to hold out for someone who thinks I am worth it.  I have failed on all accounts but I can say I am happy that I can recognize it.
I will admit I did try the boycott of….physical intimacy and it is unfun and not my cup of tea and didn’t last very long. As a rule pre 7 year relationship I generally tried not to like the guys I slept with as human beings to keep the situation just business. They were just vessels of enjoyment for me to discard at will. Now, the idea of meaningful seems nice and even more new. Maybe I really do want to find someone who will actually love me and not let me use them or use me in return. I mentioned in another post that I went all stage 5 clinger on my first real crush out of the gate and it was bad news bears. It did teach me 2 things: 1. I clearly wasn’t over my last relationship if I was so desperate to cling to someone else and 2. That the disposable situation could no longer work for me.
There have definitely been bumps in the road along the way and I have made plenty of mistakes this time around but I think more so than before I am learning. I am being honest with myself and recognizing what my issues are. This is perhaps the only way one can truly find love. I work out my kinks along the way and when I am at just the right point, probably when I least am expecting it, that one person that I have been “waiting” for will be there and recognize in me everything everyone else couldn’t.

Honesty Puhleez

Honesty Puhleez

Honesty Puhleez

Ok Diary,

So here is a lesson I can never seem to actually fully learn HONESTY! Everyone always says “Hey I appreciate honesty”,”I am always honest”, “I can’t stand dishonesty”and the like but what I have figured out is when people say that what they are telling you is “I won’t be completely honest with you all of the time ever but what I expect is your complete and utter honesty at all times otherwise you aren’t true to your word”
I understand being honest at all times can be difficult. Sometimes you don’t want to hurt someone or you are embarrassed or your honestly might be offensive. I get it trust me. I find it difficult to be honest sometimes especially if I know it will get me in trouble but one of the things I have been trying to do in the past few years is be as honest as possible. I have been owning my stuff even when I know it might get me in trouble or make someone made or hurt some ones feelings. I have gotten sick and tired of the lack of honesty in the world, I assumed the more honest I was to others the more honesty I would get back.
I am not sure when honesty became such a bad word or difficult act but it clearly is. People would much rather look you in the eye and make themselves feel comfortable than tell you the truth.
I wonder if it has to do with the fact that we don’t really need to have face to face contact anymore. You can be anyone you want now as most contact happens over a device. Has technology made us dishonest? Since there is no more having to shake on it, or look people in the eye or even have more than a cyber relationship maybe dishonesty has become so comfortable because the truth really doesn’t even have to matter.
It seems to me that in my effort to be more honest and open with people around me I have allowed people to get closer sooner than maybe I would have in my less honest days. Due to my efforts in honesty, dishonesty hurts more than it would have previously. I hate to think that anyone I want to have any sort of relationship with friend, business or even love wise that I have to keep them at an arms length until they have proven their honesty the same whey one has to prove they can be trusted. I suppose the both go hand and hand but in my own gullibleness I really do believe people have no reason to be dishonest with me so I have no choice but to believe or trust them. I don’t want to be that person that thinks bad of people until they prove me otherwise. I feel like that kind of constant negativity eats away at you. I don’t want to live like that but being honest and open doesn’t seem to be working out well for me either.
I am not perfect, I am still on a path to learn who I am, what I want and where I want to go but I feel like honesty is the only real way to get there. I might have to take some hurt on the way to build me up and show me how important honesty really is so that I can avoid making others feel the way I do when presented with dishonesty. Maybe it is a reminder that dishonesty is always around and although I cannot fix it I can make sure that I learn from it.