I know that the phrase “I’m sorry” has become a part of our vocabulary as much as saying yes and no but I have been “apologized” to by a few people for some important things recently and after hearing said apologies I am realizing they are not actually saying I am sorry at all. They are basically saying “I know I treated you poorly, I know I made you feel a certain type of way, but I am a mess and let’s just accept it.” That isn’t an apology. That doesn’t mean you are sorry. That doesn’t excuse your behavior. Just because you hide it behind self deprecating adjectives, sad faces and delicate tones doesn’t mean you are sorry or that I am going to accept it. Case in point, My ex says to me “I want you back, I really didn’t think you were going to leave. I thought we could work it out. I am sorry, I am an a-hole, I didn’t mean what I did, I didn’t realize what I was doing”  The same crap I am sure we have all heard over and over. What I heard out of this was ” I didn’t think I had to change my bad behavior because I assumed you would never leave and just take it for the rest of our lives. I had no intentions of changing or working on anything that you asked me to because if you were going to stay anyway why bother making the effort.  Let’s be honest you have no other options other than being alone and you won’t be capable of doing that”.
Example #2: Most families have their fair share of  drama. Mine happens to be with one of my Uncles. I choose to just keep my distance from him and his family so as not to be rude or fight or whatever. My father hates this which is the only reason why I even am mildly polite. After ignoring a few of my uncles Facebook e-mails, he sends me this “You look more and more like your mother, I miss her, sometimes I don’t think I was a very good brother to her or uncle to you, but know that I loved you both very much” He didn’t even attempt to say I am sorry or even admit he wasn’t a good brother or uncle anytime not just sometimes, he just said I don’t think I was because he understands I avoid him and his family but he doesn’t want to find out why. Then to say I LOVED you both very much begs the question…do you not love either of us anymore? His only intention in this e-mail was to rid himself of guilt and put it on me by trying to make me feel sorry that he was feeling bad and I wouldn’t let him remedy it. What I took from this was “I know you are mad at me for something and I feel bad about it because I am aware that you think I am not the best family member on the planet. I won’t accept responsibility for it so I am going to make you feel bad for not allowing me to go through our relationship being oblivious.  I hope this is the end of my discomfort and we can move on from here with out me having to exert any further effort.”
My last example is this guy I was kind of seeing. We went to high school together and after he approached me with admittedly lame lines that I was really just stupid to fall for I started to like him. He was goofy and hilarious which are 2 of my most favorite traits. I think I trusted him more because we had known each other in high school, I used to be friends with some of his family and I didn’t think a guy would waste time going after a girl to cause trouble and then disappear. After I ignored him for a few weeks, which he completely deserved he sent me a novel late night and what I am sure were drunken texts. Here are a few of my favorite lines “I am sorry and didn’t expect things to go like they like they did, I never lied to you and I know you think I am a jerk but I am not so much. To be honest you scared the crap out of me! I actually started to feel something for you and I promised myself I would never do that again (let me say our courting started while he was still dating his gf of 2 years, yes I understand that should have been a red flag right there). I don’t think I’m fit for that sort of thing anymore. I am sorry and please don’t hate me. I wish the best for you because you deserve it. You are smart, amazing, loving, beautiful and you make me smile which is something not many people do these days.” Not only are these some of the most unimaginative and cliche apology phrases they are complete bullshit. He lied and I caught him in said lies THANK YOU FACEBOOK!! If he didn’t want to feel anything for me WTF were you trying to start something with me for?!?! If you aren’t fit for that kind of thing why are you back with your gf who you probably never really broke up with in the first place and/or trying to start a brand new relationship with me!?!?. What I heard from his lameness was the following “I hit you up on Facebook because I wanted to bang you. I was bored with my girlfriend and figured I could sweet talk you into boning me because I pretend I am the nice, inept, cuddly, teddy bear all girls like. I realized after the fact that I was in trouble and couldn’t juggle you and her at the same time because technology has me beat and I am too stupid to cover my tracks. I don’t want you to hate me because I don’t want you to dispel the lies I told my girlfriend if you get mad enough for revenge. I am going to say a bunch of nice things to you so you are flattered and might be open to letting me bang you again.”
All I have to say about this is if you don’t intend to apologize don’t. It is fine if you aren’t sorry or you don’t think you did anything wrong but if you are going to make an attempt please be smart. Don’t do it to make yourself feel better, the person you are apologizing do might not have wanted or needed your selfish excuse of a sorry and you are just making the situation worse for yourself. You look like the idiot for rehashing something that was already laid to rest. Your disingenuous remarks are a waste of everyone’s precious time that can’t be gotten back. The least you can do if you are going to make an attempt at LIE-pologizing is be effing creative! At least make it worth it. If you have to open your mouth don’t you want to be effective about it? You took the time to lie the least you can do is take the time to make it interesting.
I am not sure when we all became so numb and cold to our fellow living beings on the planet but I’m over it. I constantly get told I am naive and gullible because I like to believe people don’t lie to me on purpose, that they don’t want to hurt me but when they do they honestly feel bad and want to make amends. Sadly, I am realizing more now more than ever that no one really means what they say anymore. Everything is for the individuals selfish means. I’d hate to think of myself as jaded but I am tired of being other peoples bad decision punching bag. I am amazing and I deserve to be treated as such. If you can’t live up to that then step aside and let me through. I have no time for it. Unfortunately, I have to now be much more selective in who I choose to bestow any of my feelings on. Being hurt is one thing but to not really apologize for it is quite another. Read between the lines people. Make sure before accepting any sort of apology it is real and true, if that even happens anymore.


Another Episode of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me

Another Episode Of Girls Got Me


I am a little behind in episodes but The Girls episode One Man’s Trash, really just got me towards the end. Hannah meets a random guy and spends days with him, in what seems like the most perfect non- rapey/murderous situation 2 strangers have ever been in. This “stranger” seems amazing and she realizes maybe she really wants happiness. Maybe wanting the things that everyone else seems to want isn’t so bad after all. I see a lot of myself in Hannah when it comes to life and love, she just happens to be much more verbally honest than I am.   This fact does sometimes scare me as Hannah makes regular bad decisions, much like myself, which is probably why I feel so close to  her character. After seeing her break down and cry in front of a practical stranger (who she played naked ping pong with) about how she really feels about love and being happy it reminded me of a daily diary entry I wrote a long time ago and never posted.  It seemed perfect to meld the two after seeing this episode.

Original Daily Diary Post

So as much as I want to pretend I don’t care or it isn’t important and as much as I love my alone time I find myself saying, I do really just want to be loved. I want someone to snuggle with at night, someone to kiss and hug and just be with. I’m not necessarily in a rush to find said person and don’t know if I am completely ready to have that person in my life right now, but after only a solid 3 months of being really completely out of my last relationship, I find myself missing some of the most intimate parts (if you know me I know what you are thinking but for once I don’t necessarily mean sex) of being with a person. Not with the ex of course but with THE someone. Someone who gets me, excites me and maybe accepts me.
I find that when I start dating someone the things that intrigue them about me are the very things they eventually want me to change. I am not one that is good at changing things about myself. The most I ever changed about myself was quit smoking cigarettes and perhaps ending some recreational drug use. That being said on super drunk nights I will sometimes indulge in a smoke and even though I won’t purchase any, if someone so happens to have funsies I don’t necessarily say no (in case I ever want to run for office I should say that any bad behavior mentioned will be denied to the best of my ability to the public until this blog post comes out and probably other proof ie pictures and current and former friends throwing me under the bus).
I am not sure if I want these things because everyone I know has already or is beginning to pair off and move into some form of “married life”. I am not sure if I only miss these things because I had them to take for granted for the past 7 years even if I wasn’t the happiest of situations. Needless to say at this point I am missing it. I never thought I would, I have never really been “needy” but I feel now in my 30′s I kind of am. Not to say that these needs couldn’t easily be fulfilled but for the first time in my life not just anyone will do. I am not interested in the replacement for momentary peace. I am trying to approach this singledom in a way that I never have before. I am not looking for the easy lay, the quick fix or the easy attention even though I have done both since being single neither has been helpful in the ways they were before. I am trying to hold out and wait for some one I feel is worth it. I want to hold out for someone who thinks I am worth it.  I have failed on all accounts but I can say I am happy that I can recognize it.
I will admit I did try the boycott of….physical intimacy and it is unfun and not my cup of tea and didn’t last very long. As a rule pre 7 year relationship I generally tried not to like the guys I slept with as human beings to keep the situation just business. They were just vessels of enjoyment for me to discard at will. Now, the idea of meaningful seems nice and even more new. Maybe I really do want to find someone who will actually love me and not let me use them or use me in return. I mentioned in another post that I went all stage 5 clinger on my first real crush out of the gate and it was bad news bears. It did teach me 2 things: 1. I clearly wasn’t over my last relationship if I was so desperate to cling to someone else and 2. That the disposable situation could no longer work for me.
There have definitely been bumps in the road along the way and I have made plenty of mistakes this time around but I think more so than before I am learning. I am being honest with myself and recognizing what my issues are. This is perhaps the only way one can truly find love. I work out my kinks along the way and when I am at just the right point, probably when I least am expecting it, that one person that I have been “waiting” for will be there and recognize in me everything everyone else couldn’t.