Recent events have made me realize that no matter how hard I try or what therapeutic work I do on myself I still will choose the hugest Douche Canoe over The Nice Guy? Why is this the case? Why have I not learned my lesson? I have made a constituted effort to sort out my feelings and work on myself and why I make silly decisions and choices in my life but no matter what I find history repeating itself. I feel I have no option but to state the overused definition of insanity completely applies here “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”
My major conundrum is I have a nice guy who I know will treat me like gold and has no intentions of doing anything more than making me happy. The one thing women always say they want yet out of all of the qualities I want and traits I am attracted to on a scale of 1 to 10 he is probably a 5 or a 6. The Douche Canoe however on a scale of 1 to 10 is about an 8 or 9 (not talking about looks either but he is kind of super-hot). That is generally minus his douchey qualities. I thought I was doing the right thing for sticking with The Nice Guy but I feel like I am doing him a grave disservice as I feel nothing for him technically. No butterflies or excitement or that giddy feeling when we are about to see each other. I feel comfortable with him however, like we have been together forever and we really only met maybe 6 months ago. He has no problem being silly or making me laugh which is a quality that I adore. Many men are too manly to get silly which annoys me because I am generally silly and probably absolutely ridiculous. I don’t know if I will ever be able to give him the things he is giving me nor will I be able to in the future. That being said I am tired of Douche Bags. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t see me for who I am and treat me the way I deserve. This seems to be the one quality I have been chasing since I realized I even liked boys.
I feel like a complete idiot because I kept my ludacris feelings at bay previously but now that The Douche Canoe is being considerably douchey I all of the sudden have uncontrollable feelings that I want to get out and profess. That is so very un-me! I know this situation won’t end the way I want. I know this has trouble written all over it and will result in a horrible pig out/cry fest while not showering for a few days and watching movies that will make me feel like finding Prince Charming will never happen for me (I am not sure I want a Mr. Right or Mr. Forever but I would like the option). Why I like doing this to myself I will never know other than I feel like we as women are bred to need and want masochistic relationships for some sort of punishment we think we deserve ever since Eve effed up Paradise.
I think this is perhaps a case of the I want something so much because it doesn’t want me. I keep trying to talk sense into myself and am asking my besties to keep my lame arse in check but the truth of the matter is I am most likely going to do what I want until it hurts really badly. I guess that is why cutters cut. I am going to probably make myself seem like a stage 5 clinger which is what worries me. I don’t want to seem weak or effected by someone’s stupid behavior. If the captain of the SS Douche Canoe hasn’t/doesn’t/can’t see how amazingly awesome I am WTF am I interested in showing him any feelings for? WTF am I missing him for or letting him win this battle of bad behavior and emotions. I want to hope I am better than that, more of a woman even.
Deep down I do know the reasons behind why I chase hurt and difficult situations. I also think, which I have mentioned in previous posts, that we as women are fixers. We see a problem and want to remedy it. This man doesn’t want me although I am the best thing that has ever happened to him there is no way he cannot see this or recognize it. I have to keep at it until he realizes what a mistake he has made. I have seen this on the ID channel….it often ends in restraining orders or other murdery situations and I am straight up too bougie for prison.
In the end all I care about is myself and my feelings. This Nice Guy is great but maybe he isn’t my Nice Guy. Maybe there is a guy out there that is the perfect mix of Douche and Nice; I just haven’t found him yet. I suppose I still have a lot to learn about myself and my feelings which begs the question “Do we ever really learn?’